All the Single Ladies...

In a recent conversation with a new friend, I have learned that appalling behavior does not only apply to the men-folk (or boy-folk, as I like to call them), but in fact, we ladies have done just as many disgusting things towards to the opposite sex as they have done unto us.

Having a different perspective on my own gender now, I realize that, gosh, people are weird. We do strange things to one another. We have strange ideas and strange expectations. It's all incredibly strange.

I would love to share my friend's story but it's not my place. I try not to relay information secondhand; it has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. It's a new personal policy to keep stuff to myself.

I don't have any particularly funny dating stories this go-round, but I have been thinking much about "dating". Thinking about what it means in this day-and-age. We try to apply high standards to each other but then don't apply them to ourselves. How can we single folk possibly expect to find a good match if we can't even live up to our own standards? It's easy to point the finger at another person and blame them for our problems...when the problems really are within ourselves.

In the past few weeks I have been contemplating a few things. You see, despite my troubles with dating, I genuinely feel ready for a real, grown-up relationship. You know, the type that's based on friendship and common ground, common goals and a similar appreciation for life? Yeah, that's what I'm looking for. I mean, granted, yes, hearts, stars, fireworks-- all that is great! But eventually it fizzles out. And if you don't have that great foundation when all that crap is done, how can you expect anything to last indefinitely?

I read an article in Psychology Today about dating. How we should create a list of all the qualities we want to find in a partner. Then..stick with it! BUT before we go traipsing around with a list of qualifications, we should instead reflect on that list and see how those things must apply to ourselves. For example, I'd like someone who enjoys camping and the outdoors. Well, how can I expect someone to enjoy those activities if I don't partake myself? So, accordingly, I need to get outside more and pitch my tent! It makes sense and in a way, as we embrace our pleasures, there becomes an opportunity meet someone while doing so.

I've made some other observations but as I enter into the "experimental" phase of dating (aka, trying new techniques rather than sticking with the tried and true and FAILED techniques from the past)...I am not ready to share those "things." I need to collect additional information before sharing it with the general population. But I feel optimistic. After all, I am perfectly lovely, as is.

Enjoy the day, my single (and not-single) friends!

After the Tone, Please Leave a Message....Or Not...

Back in the day, when I was around 20 years old or so, I made the huge mistake of dating an angsty emo boy. Everything was tragic, man. He dyed his hair black and could not see anything pleasant about anything. He liked my poetry. I liked his music. We were miserable together. I should have known that it would end up in the toilet.

Seriously, John and I had a decent time. We had some friends in common and generally got along. I can't remember a great deal about the relationship; I was 20 (I think). I was also on the rebound after a heartbreak. I don't remember the details.

What I DO remember is calling him every day for a week and developing a relationship with his answering machine.

"Hey John, it's me. Thought I'd see how you're doing today..."

"Hey John, such-and-such band is playing at the 8th Note tonight. I'm thinking of going. Maybe I'll see you there?"

"Hey John, haven't heard from you...what's new? Call me."

You get the picture.

And on the seventh day I hear his answering machine:

"Hi, you've reached my answering machine and I'm sorry I can't take your call. Please leave a message after the tone....except if you're a crazy bitch named Tessa- don't leave a message and fuck off." Or some such. I might be embellishing a bit but that's pretty much how I felt after I heard that.

I was appalled. So not only did he leave that message for me to hear but everyone who called him would get that message.

Will someone please explain to me how difficult it is to pick up the phone and say "hey, you know, I'm really sorry...I had fun but I just don't feel it anymore. I'm sorry and I really hope you meet someone that compliments you better than I."

You know, sometimes it doesn't work. Doesn't mean you have to turn into a giant asshole.

After that vague blog post, I figure I'd better follow it up with something a little more concrete.

It's been awhile since my last blog post for a couple of reasons. Reason one is that my computer "went down" and I was enjoying the internet silence in the evening. Of course, I have a "smart" phone so I wasn't totally without. I'm just not going to write a blog entry from my phone. Silly.

The second reason is that I met someone. Yes! Even me! I met someone and it was awesome. Was awesome. Until he pulled the rug out from under my feet and dumped me based on some of his own issues.

I'm beyond the whole what's-wrong-with-me thing. I'm too old to blame myself for being too fat or not this or that, or ugly, or whatever other self-criticism might cross my mind. I'm far from perfect, of course, but I am certainly not faulty goods here. I'm reasonably attractive, smart and funny, driven, and independent. In any light, I'd be considered a "catch."

John and I met through an online dating site. I even paid for it this time around (silly me!). He was in hot pursuit of me...he sent me the classic "wink" and whatever else. I ignored him at first but then curiosity got the best of me. I figured I might as well message him back. After all, you never know what could happen.

Fireworks happened. We had a date about a week or two later and we connected. We had some mutual friends who got to bear witness to our connection and by all accounts, the sparks were genuine. We took off like gangbusters with so much in common and such a strong attraction for one another. I expressed my concerns as they came to light with nothing but positive reinforcement from him, telling me he didn't want to hurt me.

Like the idiot that I am when it comes to matters of the heart, I ate it all up. Delicious! The buzz of a new love! It's intoxicating, really.

Then came the text. TEXT. After six weeks of bliss, I am told that he is not ready for what we had going on and that he needed to deal with his own personal stuff. His explanations were legit; it came to light that he hadn't been entirely honest with me from the get-go. I won't go into details because that's hardly something I want to share here. But what I find appalling is the text.

A text. A text message halting such a brilliant time...after proclamations of falling for each other...and boom, all ended with a few texts.

I cannot express to you how rude I find this. I understand that we have many communication conveniences nowadays, but I don't accept that as an excuse to simply fire off a few pixels over the airwaves to end such an intimate connection.

I have ended things via text myself; however, only when it's been a single date and I didn't feel chemistry. In those cases, I think a text is an okay thing. While it's not the best thing to do, I find it acceptable. But barely. So I am a criminal in this sense myself.

But after this much closeness...this much bearing of the heart...this much intimacy and thoughts for the future...no, a text message is most certainly not appropriate. Not at all.

I question where the manners and etiquette have disappeared to when it comes to my generation of men.

I wonder very much if it is all just a lost cause.

One of my biggest fears, I realized over the weekend, is becoming so bitter about love due to heartbreak that I no longer believe that it's a philosophy that'll ever apply to me.

Everyone dies alone, but I'd like to have some company along the way...