It's Okay to Deviate

If you've encountered my blog prior to today, then you know that I have had quite a few..um..interesting encounters with the opposite sex. I make no apologies for what I have written for I have written only the truth about my experiences.

I like writing; it's therapeutic for me. It's been so sad to have been on dates like these, over all these years, and as much as I am angry about these awful encounters, I do know that at the end of the day, I really can only blame myself. I am the one who has agreed to these dates. I am the one who stuck around so many times, despite the red flags. And, well, it's up to me to change my fate.

In a few weeks I will be 34. I don't dare to think that 34 is old because, well, it's not. I worked in funeral service for a number of years and 34 is most certainly NOT old. It's quite young. However- in 18 years, that 34 will have morphed into 52 and while 52 is still not old by any means, it does come with some challenges as well as some rewards. I know that decisions I make today will have a big impact on the 52 year old version of me.

(Yes, I have a point)

I have an 11 year old child and she's pretty great. She's an only child though, and I had always envisioned that I'd have two children. If you've been reading my blog, you also know that I am far from having a partner to have a second child with and all signs point to continued failure in this area. This, combined with the fact that should I have another child at the age of 34, that child will be my responsibility, legally, until I am 52 years old.

That idea is so unappealing to me that I kind of throw up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about it. I mean, really- if I had a second child right now, I'll end up spending more than half of my life caring for these children.

Hey- that's totally the way it's supposed to be, right? Being a parent is a worthy thing; you get to help shape a little person into becoming a productive member of society! That's pretty amazing!

But to have a second child more than a decade after the first? Wow. It'd be like being a first time parent...except with the memories of what an infant is like from the first time around. Painful. Albeit adorable...painful. Toilet training anyone?

So, no, I have opted, with full awareness of my decision, that I will not have any more children. I have a beautiful, smart, grounded, amazing, and polite little girl and that will be just fine...just the two of us.

What's my point? I mean wow, waxing all beautiful about children and shit doesn't exactly vibe with my blog, right? It sort of does....

I've been utterly desperate to find a mate...because of my imaginary child-bearing deadline. I really wanted to be married and so on by the time I hit this age. I wanted to realize my family. But as many of us know, the definition of "family" is so different for many of us. My family is my daughter and myself along with our cats. Tiny as it may be, I'll never have a need to buy a house with more than two bedrooms.

Removing that goal of finding a mate has really taken the pressure off. It's quite the sense of relief to say "Hey, Self, you don't need a dude...at least, not for your family." In fact, I don't need a dude to help me with my bills. I don't need the dude for his fertility. I don't need a dude for much of anything other than my own animalistic needs on a lonely night...heh...

And in that, I don't have to tolerate these shitty men I've been dating. There's no need to desperately bond myself to some guy. I definitely want to have a partner someday, but it doesn't have to be a partner for any other reason than for the joy of his company.

After my daughter graduates from high school, I'll be about 2 years away from earning my "PGL" (Personal Growth Leave) where my employer will request that I leave work for a month to do whatever the hell I want. (It does include pay). My daughter will be busy with college or whatever she's chosen to do...and hopefully my savings plan will have come to fruition...and then my child-less partner and I can head overseas, free from the burden of a small child...knowing that I have raised, possibly with the help of said partner, a confident young person, busy becoming the next best thing in whatever her industry is.

It's entirely possible that the type of men I will choose to spend time with will change. I expect it to change. And my dates may become  quite infrequent. But don't worry- I'm sure I can wrastle up the odd story here and there, based off of memories or even present-time incidences. Men make me laugh. Well, actually, human behavior makes me laugh. And I'm happy to blog my little insignificant thoughts away, spinning them into words that make people laugh. Hell, that makes ME laugh!

So, the title of the blog "It's Okay to Deviate", is just that. I'm deviating from my old normal and in the process of making a new normal. I expect hiccups, but it is totally okay...and even preferable... to deviate from time to time. You never know what you'll learn...about someone else, or even yourself!

Men in their 30's

Recently I went on a series of dates with the same guy. But, despite commonalities, he decided that he needed to jump ship. Via email, he explained that he's a jerk and that I deserve something better and so on and so forth. Not because there was something "wrong" with me for him, but because he's a jerk. Oh, and by the way, normally he just gives women the silent treatment but apparently, he respects me enough to bother to communicate to me that he's going to bail. Via email (by the way, when did this become the new norm for breaking things off?)

I met him on an online dating site. Now, in my opinion, an online dating site would indicate that the users are interested in dating and possibly even entering into a relationship. Ladies, beware, that's not really the case. Pretty much not at all. At least not the ones I've encountered.

Seems like men in their 30's, at least the single ones that I've encountered, really have no desire to be involved with a woman. No, in fact, they simply want to continue to live out their fantasies. These fantasies, by the way, are the same ones they've been indulging in since their twenties. And in some cases, their teens.

Hey, boys, grow up. That's completely unrealistic. You've proven that you want to have a lady at your side to have conversation with, show off as a hot number, wine and dine, fuck, and leave.

That's not how it works. I want to tell you just a couple things...

1. There are very few women in their 30's who will meet your criteria. Single women in their 30's are generally career-focused. They also are relatively confident and won't tolerate being dropped like a hot potato. Also, those very perfect women in their 30's have no time to deal with your immature ass. They are simply too good for you.

2. Don't worry- there ARE women out there who would be fine with spending the evening with you as I outlined before. And IF they meet your criteria, they're most likely in their 20's and have only a thing or two on their mind. But guess what-- you aren't their first rodeo. I hope your ego can be  comfortable with knowing that you are not special. Nope- you are part of their long list of encounters.

3. Women in their 20's will eventually settle down and marry or become one of those career focused women in their 30's. If you refuse to settle down, guess what-- you're just going to keep getting older and older. The group of women in their 20's will swap out each year for a new batch for you to play with but one day...you are not going to be fun...nope. You'll be that creepy guy in his late 30's, early 40's, scamming on women. That's not attractive....I'm sure the phrase "You're old enough to be my Daddy" isn't something you want to hear while trying to bed one of them.

4....then...you'll decide you should probably settle down. But lo and behold, you've pretty much alienated yourself. Those women in their 30's who are still single- they know you. They had fun with you and they aren't interested in your immature ass. So, who is left? The divorcees and the older woman.

Women are criminal of similar situations, but men, seriously. The majority of women do want to settle down eventually but I seem to see that lots of single men somehow think they are magically special.

You're going to grow old. You're going to bald/go gray/get wrinkly. You may want to open your mind up to the idea of a companion. Unless you really are comfortable with the idea of being completely along forever...you know...like that 70-something guy at the grocery store who buys hamburger helper by the case, still drinks Coke classic, and thinks that putting on clean sweats is dressing up.

Yeah- I can bet you that guy isn't getting laid....

His married counterpart probably is. Ever heard of Viagra? And older women can have quite the sex drive....by the way...plus you'll always have a dinner/traveling/gardening/walking partner.

The guy who dumped me- clearly has issues. Those issues aren't my problem. But what is my problem is the fact that I belong in the 30 something category of women who are career focused. I'm 2 weeks shy of my 34th birthday and my career has finally settled into where I want it to be. I'm also divorced now for 8 years.

Now I have time for a man...but I fear that, much like the outlined single guy in his 30's, I have missed my opportunity. It does work both ways; perhaps I should have paid a bit more attention.

Regardless of the circumstances, I do believe that things aren't hopeless; the outline mentioned above doesn't fit everyone. There are many shades of gray. I also wonder if we all, as a human species, started to accept each other's imperfections, we might find more opportunities for happiness.

Guy-- perhaps if you accept a woman that doesn't have the best hair or the best body...and see the beauty of her, as a person, as her WHOLE person rather than traits, you might find someone you really can be attracted to, for that long term grow-old-with relationship. If you are solely focused on something like body, height, hair color...well, those things can change. They go away.

I think at the end of the day, we all just need to keep an open mind; you never know what you'll end up falling in love with...but if you create expectations and limitations, you are reducing your opportunities.

I really hope, personally, that this is my summer for love. If you're single as well, and struggling, I hope it's your summer too....

I won't accept that...

First dates often conjure up feelings of fear and worthiness. At least, for me they generally do. I'd rather go on job interviews than maneuver through a first date. And for me, personally, I often feel pretty awkward; I think I'm kind of a weird girl. Or at the very least, I have a weird sense of humor. I also have hobbies that other women my age aren't really interested in. I could go on and explain myself, but that's not the focus of this particular entry.

Recently I read a book about dating and it made a lot of sense. Granted, there were parts that I thought were just plain silly, but the one phrase that resonates with me is "stop accepting being treated poorly." Keeping that in mind, my perspective on dating has shifted and I am happier to be single and avoiding being treated like dirt. I realize that the "dirt treatment" had less to do with the guy and more to do with me and what I will tolerate.

What does a first date have to do with the "acceptance" thing? Well, months ago, I had a first date. A few red flags were tossed up but, not having read the book at this point yet, I accepted the red flags and excused them as merely quirks of the gentleman. I figured that a second date would reveal more about this man's personality and true intentions.

And they did.

We met up for a cup of coffee; I was running late and he had started to text me, impatiently. Well, listen up, bud, I'm a single mom and I was leaving my daughter with the babysitter. I had to take care of a few things. It wasn't like I wasn't coming, I was just running late and I clearly communicated that (because, frankly, I hate it when people are late on me, too!). I showed up and apparently I was running so late that there was no more time for me to have a cup of tea. He was ready to go on to the next location.

It was a bar that I had selected which is known for having a zillion different micro brews. Personally I'm more of a hard cider gal and for that, they carry a number of lovely hard ciders. In total, I had two draft ciders and he had either three or four of some kind of IPA. Apparently he neglected to check on the price and he was shocked when the tab came back, totally over $40. I didn't think that this was unreasonable; good cider and good beer. I had selected a cider that runs at a mere $6 a glass, so the rest was up to him.

I knew I had a larger budget than him, so I offered to pay; he refused. He wanted to pay. That would have been sweet and all if it hadn't accompanied a loud whining resentment of the beer and the over-exclamation of the "ridiculous" cost of the beer. I was embarrassed.

Hopefully that was the end of that...we moved on to the next location, dinner. We went to a local pub type eatery as his friends band was going to play in the upper level later that evening. That was kind of the focus on the whole evening, actually. Drinks, dinner, music. Nice, eh?

It was embarrassing at the bar to hear the exclamations over price. It was even worse when the exclamations over food prices at the pub began. First he ordered another very large beer. He was pretty well intoxicated at this point. I'll admit, I ordered another cider (for if only to try to blur out the evening's pain which was starting to become evident). He reviewed the menu and started to exclaim over the prices; I personally didn't think that there was anything out of the ordinary here, but he certainly did. honestly, it wouldn't have been so bad had there not been, you know, other patrons within earshot. Patrons who were celebrating a birthday (I vaguely remember him piping in and singing happy birthday with them, loudly, but I can't be certain-- I was probably hiding under my napkin), patrons on a romantic date, and another couple or two, scattered about.

I insisted on paying the bill, for if only to get him to shut up.

Since we hadn't ordered any huge meal and we had time to kill before the music, we decided to head over to a little hole in the wall type place and have some more food. And for him, more beer. I selected a glass of Portland's finest city water. He was happy at the prices (though I was paying for them, yet again) and apparently pleased at our servers ass. She had taken our order and as she was walking away, I saw his eyes do that whole up-down thing.

Are you kidding me?

I called him on it. He made it a joke and said I was paranoid. Said it was natural for a guy to look.

At this point, remember, I still hadn't read the book, and despite being highly irritated, I kept up with this nonsense. I guess I am much more tolerant than I would often believe.

We began to walk up back towards the pub with the music. It was in this next action where my mind started to change in how I was thinking about this whole date.

He stopped off in an alley way to pee.

I was mortified.

I am not your bro. I am not your homeskillet. I don't want to wait for you while you are peeing in an alley. I don't want to watch out for you for cops. What the hell.

We got to the pub and ordered drinks. At this point, I knew there weren't enough strong drinks in the world to make this night better.

Once at the pub, having drinks in hand, he proceeded to pretty much ignore me. He chatted with his friends, barely looked at me, and joined in with the dancing while I sat at the table. I was miserable.

I remember sitting there, thinking, is this really how I am spending my Saturday night? Is this really what I think of myself to allow a man to behave like this around me...to treat me like this? Really?

Come on, girlfriend, you are better than this! You deserve better! What on earth! Belching, peeing in the alley, dropping ass...throwing fits over prices, blatantly checking out other women?

I left.

Yep, I just got up and left. Walked right out. It took him about 45 minutes to notice I was gone. That's when the text messages started coming in.

"Where are you? Why did you leave?"

"What am I supposed to do-- I'm too drunk to drive.."

"That's really shitty of you...you're A, B, and C"

"I'm sorry I was a bad date...what am I going to do, I'm drunk!"

He called me, I think, but frankly, at this point, I just wanted to get home and forget this entire evening.

I picked up that book shortly thereafter and read it cover to cover in just two days. And it was like the clouds parted and I realized that the biggest problem I had with finding these kinds of men is...me!

I accept poor treatment. I make excuses. I let men get away with bad behavior. And why? Because I'm afraid of being alone. Well, after that nightmare of a date, I realized that damn, I'd RATHER be alone than have that become my reality.

I hope that having this realization will change the flavor of my dates (and it seems to have had that affect already), so perhaps this blog will just vanish altogether.

I'm sure, though, that I have bad dates awaiting me though...and you'll hear about then...