Online Dating Don'ts - Part 1

FYI:

....this does not work.


At least, it shouldn't.


That is all; carry on.

He's So Sensitive

One of my biggest fears is turning in an old woman who hates men and cannot trust anyone. I fear that I will end up with a zillion cats and plants (okay, I already have the plants...) and that I'll wear ugly house coats and have few friends.

I believe I have a big heart and I feel that it's so big sometimes...that it lets in the wrong people. Actually, while I'd love to think that, I really just think that some people are just  big assholes. And I have a magnet for them.

Those of you who know me in real know that while my stories seem fantastic (and I won't deny the slight exaggerations) they are true. They are true because for some reason, I live a big life and that tends to attract some insanity. It's been inspirational for this blog. It's also helped me develop strength within myself as well as learning the value of FRIENDS.

That's all good and great, but you know what? People are still assholes. On the road, in our workplaces, in the mall/restaurant/commercial building...just dicks. And frankly, I do believe in that some instances there are those people who truly enjoy being assholes. Fine. Go ahead and be that dick. I'm not going to stop trying to have faith in people.

I've always wanted to give men the benefit of the doubt that all they're after is sex. I cannot comprehend a life completely focused on SEX. I know lots of men who are successful with interesting non-sexual hobbies...so between all that, are they REALLY thinking about sex all the time? If that's the case, does a man even know how to love? Or is it entirely lust-based?

I have blindly given the benefit of the doubt to several men in the last year or so with whom I developed feelings for. No, I did not sleep with them all. I'm not that big of a slut. But once I was "caught", suddenly the game was over. No more interest. I really thought that perhaps it was some kind of deep seated fear in commitment or that they were still sore from their last girlfriend. God damn, how naive can I possibly be!

It's the PERFECT escape route for getting away from a sensitive and caring person; make them believe that it's NOT about them (and the fact that they are boring, fat, busy, embarrassing, whatever...) and in fact about their OWN wounded hearts. Then, these women will nod knowingly and understand the break up. The end...because, you know, wow, he's so sensitive and, wow, that's great that he's acknowledging that his heart still hurts...We walk away thinking "boy, I feel okay about that because maybe he's not MY guy but something in ME allowed him to realize the pain he's still carrying-- I'm glad I was able to help him."

What the royal fuck. These guys want an ego stroke, a bed to sleep in and other expletives that, while I think them, realize that even I am not bold enough to enter them here.

I am angered but even more determined than ever to break these horrible habits of mine...patterns...that leave me feeling hollow and more abused than ever. Knowing this, I am proceed and try to enjoy the rest of my time on this rock. Bad date or love of my life...

Smelly Socks...

A friend of mine was delighted with his new socks! "They're so soft! Stick your hand in there! They're awesome!" I hesitated...but I DID touch the socks....and a flood of flashbacks came to me.

John had a particular taste for socks. He liked high quality wool socks. No problem right? Yeah, except if you don't wash them on a regular basis.

Who decided that wearing the same pair of socks...

two times...

three times...

a dozen times...

...before washing them is a good idea? Our feet are harbors of bacteria and filth...depending. At least, mine are. I like going barefoot so it's important to wear socks with my shoes as well as washing my feet on a daily basis. And NOT wearing socks over again!

I had to stop touching those damn socks. I swear, I could even SMELL those nasty things!


...that is all...

What is WRONG with you?

NOTHING is wrong with me. I can't speak for you but when it comes to myself, I know I'm just a dandy human being. Maybe snarky (okay, so yes, I'm snarky) but I'm certainly smart, successful in a mediocre kind of way, cute, and happy. Mostly happy.

So I'm at a loss as to why I remain perpetually single. Don't we come to a point where we realize that it's time to settle down and find that partner? To grow up and enjoy life with someone? Why has dating  become so damn difficult?

I've got several theories. One relates to the man-child theory. Perhaps I'm too much of a woman to want to take care of a man, but it seems like a lot of the relationships I witness are based on the woman taking care of the man, almost as if they are another child within the relationship. Maybe I need to realize that if I want to have a man in my life, it'll have to be one of this seriously dependent men and I'll have to just get over this idyllic man-as-equal thing. (What the hell happened to equality?)

The second theory I have is that perhaps our culture of online dating has really worked against us. It's easy to pass on a profile online based on the way they look or one sentence that they type or whatever. So we are passing up potentially awesome folks based on something superficial. I have to wonder, then, are we really serious about finding a partner? Or is it easier to just say "there's no one out there for me" and reject the entire idea of compromising for the sake of a relationship.

Things just seem so extreme; it's either all or nothing these days. You're either in it or not at all. For example, I'm not committed to anyone at this point. However, I know there would be some jealousy if it was known that I was going out with a couple of guys. Then I ruin my chance with one guy because of assumptions. We do that too -- we (men and women) are SO GREAT at assuming things...yet we still haven't mastered the ability to read minds (hey, I'm working on that patent; I'll be a millionaire! No, a BILLIONAIRE!).

Look, guys, a decent woman will want you to be yourself. She'll want you to also have the ability to make some compromise to have a healthy and balanced relationship. You don't want a clingy woman? Don't give her a reason to cling; instead, give her some attention as well as explaining your need to have some alone down time. A rational woman will understand; if she throws a fit, throw her out! That's just a big sign of trouble.
Ladies...stop over analyzing (hey, I do this ALL THE TIME, I'm not innocent!). People are far more simple than we give them credit. But when we start to analyze...that's when trouble crops up. I'm in the throes of analyzing a great date (date number 4-- usually I know that we're a couple by now but that has always lead to a huge disappointment, so I'm taking a different approach. But what IS the fourth date?); if I let my brain take over, then I have the potential to ruin something that might be great. So instead, to save myself and shut up that stupid voice inside my head (telling me I'm a loser, ugly, not good enough, etc), I'm going to get busy on my own stuff (I've got cleaning, plants to pot, kid stuff and it's time to decorate for fall-- yay!).

We protect our own egos even though this might hurt someone else; this needs to stop. We need to show more empathy and realize that we are all on the same playing field. We avoid the truth because no one really wants to hurt anyone; we don't want to be the bad guy. This works against us, however. We HAVE to communicate. We HAVE to stop making assumptions. We HAVE to start standing up for what we need/want and also accepting what our potential partners want/need. Personally, I think this is a very rational way of looking at things...but yet...I'm the single girl...always....

Oh People!

Sometimes I contemplate how fair it is that I bitch about dating and my dating life in particular. I feel that I should take a few moments to clarify a few things...just to understand that I am not, in fact, as crabby as this blog may lead you to believe. In fact, I continue to date because I am an optimistic person. I believe that someday someone will capture my heart and I'll be able to spend a comfortable life with that person.

I try to keep my statements generalized for the sake of anonymity. I don't need to embarrass anyone or throw anyone under the bus. After all, haven't we all done shitty things to one another?

I will readily admit some of the bad things I have done to men. Sadly, when I reflect on my dating history, the song below often pops into my head:

I have left in the middle of the night.
I have a vast collection of strange gifts (including a can opener, a coconut opener, and an empty basket).
I have done the text break up.
I have ignored someone until they "get it."

Yes, folks, I am a bad person. But can you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you've never figuratively shat on someone? Lets just face it, sometimes we don't want to deal with other people.

However, in reflection, I think it's important to try to curb this behavior. Seriously-- karma is a bitch! All of my man eating, I think, has left me alone and lonely...maybe, maybe not. But my personal philosophy on life is just to try to be nice to folks.

Of course, I'm gonna keep writing about the weirdos...after all, be nice...but have some fun!

Happy Friday!

Attraction...

I have been on the fence about whether or not I should continue to post in this particular blog. It's mean, it's condescending, it's petty and it's ridiculous. It was meant to be a joke but when I review these entries, I see just how sad my dating life has been. And it's no one person's fault...it has made me question the type of person I am that ends up attracting these types of men. Boys. Whatever.

Part of me is ready to give up to it all, but in the last year or so, my biological clock has gone off...the alarm bells are ringing at high volume and I realize that my priorities have changed. In fact, many are surprised that I have opened up my heart and soul to the idea of having a second child. I would love that.

I refuse to go down that road again as a single mom, though. It's been difficult enough as it is with my daughter and my self...I cannot imagine trying to have a second one on my own. I really can't think of anything more awful. So no, instead I continue to put myself out there, in hopes of finding that special someone...that partner...who I can call lover and friend. I want to do this the "right way". (Which may be my fatal flaw... is there a "right" way?)

In doing so, I seem to have started attracting a new breed of men.

The recently wounded.

I have no idea how to handle this nor do I know how to make it stop. Men suffering from recent heartbreaking tragedy seem to gravitate towards me. They love to suck the love out of me...and then leave me. I'm not sure why this is happening but I would really like it to stop.

In 2013 alone, I have been a rebound girl for not one...not TWO...but THREE guys who have had their hearts ripped apart by women (who, in my opinion, really didn't know what they were missing). And no, I didn't sleep with them. I can blame their exes or whatever, but something in that set up didn't work for those couples. One of the common threads I found was that all three of these men were in these long term relationships (3+ years for all) and no one had proposed marriage! If I were lingering in a relationship that long and the question hadn't been popped, I'd get out too! Of course, how can I possibly know what goes on inside any of their relationships; there could be a whole number of factors that I don't understand and that's completely fine. I'm just saying that if after the first year or so you haven't decided if this is someone you'd like to get serious with, then get out. Save folks the heartbreak. And your own heartbreak...that can really only come down to your own indecisive behavior.

I blame the media, still. The idea of the man-child as an acceptable way for an adult male to behave is ridiculous and abhorrent. Why should women have to grow up and balance a) family b) relationships c) being feminine and sexy and physical attractive in a multitude of ways d) have a successful career and e) be delighted to take care of anyone who falls in their path. All this while men (from my vantage point only) a) have to have a job b)...*anyone else hear crickets*???

It's a double standard and I personally refuse to continue to partake. So in reflection, men, perhaps your broken hearts aren't due to the fact that your ex is a cold hearted bitched but instead, maybe you were existing in the very selfish form of man-child.

In other words, grow up.

Have a day, my loyal readers! XOXOXO