He's So Sensitive

One of my biggest fears is turning in an old woman who hates men and cannot trust anyone. I fear that I will end up with a zillion cats and plants (okay, I already have the plants...) and that I'll wear ugly house coats and have few friends.

I believe I have a big heart and I feel that it's so big sometimes...that it lets in the wrong people. Actually, while I'd love to think that, I really just think that some people are just  big assholes. And I have a magnet for them.

Those of you who know me in real know that while my stories seem fantastic (and I won't deny the slight exaggerations) they are true. They are true because for some reason, I live a big life and that tends to attract some insanity. It's been inspirational for this blog. It's also helped me develop strength within myself as well as learning the value of FRIENDS.

That's all good and great, but you know what? People are still assholes. On the road, in our workplaces, in the mall/restaurant/commercial building...just dicks. And frankly, I do believe in that some instances there are those people who truly enjoy being assholes. Fine. Go ahead and be that dick. I'm not going to stop trying to have faith in people.

I've always wanted to give men the benefit of the doubt that all they're after is sex. I cannot comprehend a life completely focused on SEX. I know lots of men who are successful with interesting non-sexual hobbies...so between all that, are they REALLY thinking about sex all the time? If that's the case, does a man even know how to love? Or is it entirely lust-based?

I have blindly given the benefit of the doubt to several men in the last year or so with whom I developed feelings for. No, I did not sleep with them all. I'm not that big of a slut. But once I was "caught", suddenly the game was over. No more interest. I really thought that perhaps it was some kind of deep seated fear in commitment or that they were still sore from their last girlfriend. God damn, how naive can I possibly be!

It's the PERFECT escape route for getting away from a sensitive and caring person; make them believe that it's NOT about them (and the fact that they are boring, fat, busy, embarrassing, whatever...) and in fact about their OWN wounded hearts. Then, these women will nod knowingly and understand the break up. The end...because, you know, wow, he's so sensitive and, wow, that's great that he's acknowledging that his heart still hurts...We walk away thinking "boy, I feel okay about that because maybe he's not MY guy but something in ME allowed him to realize the pain he's still carrying-- I'm glad I was able to help him."

What the royal fuck. These guys want an ego stroke, a bed to sleep in and other expletives that, while I think them, realize that even I am not bold enough to enter them here.

I am angered but even more determined than ever to break these horrible habits of mine...patterns...that leave me feeling hollow and more abused than ever. Knowing this, I am proceed and try to enjoy the rest of my time on this rock. Bad date or love of my life...