It's Okay to Deviate

If you've encountered my blog prior to today, then you know that I have had quite a few..um..interesting encounters with the opposite sex. I make no apologies for what I have written for I have written only the truth about my experiences.

I like writing; it's therapeutic for me. It's been so sad to have been on dates like these, over all these years, and as much as I am angry about these awful encounters, I do know that at the end of the day, I really can only blame myself. I am the one who has agreed to these dates. I am the one who stuck around so many times, despite the red flags. And, well, it's up to me to change my fate.

In a few weeks I will be 34. I don't dare to think that 34 is old because, well, it's not. I worked in funeral service for a number of years and 34 is most certainly NOT old. It's quite young. However- in 18 years, that 34 will have morphed into 52 and while 52 is still not old by any means, it does come with some challenges as well as some rewards. I know that decisions I make today will have a big impact on the 52 year old version of me.

(Yes, I have a point)

I have an 11 year old child and she's pretty great. She's an only child though, and I had always envisioned that I'd have two children. If you've been reading my blog, you also know that I am far from having a partner to have a second child with and all signs point to continued failure in this area. This, combined with the fact that should I have another child at the age of 34, that child will be my responsibility, legally, until I am 52 years old.

That idea is so unappealing to me that I kind of throw up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about it. I mean, really- if I had a second child right now, I'll end up spending more than half of my life caring for these children.

Hey- that's totally the way it's supposed to be, right? Being a parent is a worthy thing; you get to help shape a little person into becoming a productive member of society! That's pretty amazing!

But to have a second child more than a decade after the first? Wow. It'd be like being a first time parent...except with the memories of what an infant is like from the first time around. Painful. Albeit adorable...painful. Toilet training anyone?

So, no, I have opted, with full awareness of my decision, that I will not have any more children. I have a beautiful, smart, grounded, amazing, and polite little girl and that will be just fine...just the two of us.

What's my point? I mean wow, waxing all beautiful about children and shit doesn't exactly vibe with my blog, right? It sort of does....

I've been utterly desperate to find a mate...because of my imaginary child-bearing deadline. I really wanted to be married and so on by the time I hit this age. I wanted to realize my family. But as many of us know, the definition of "family" is so different for many of us. My family is my daughter and myself along with our cats. Tiny as it may be, I'll never have a need to buy a house with more than two bedrooms.

Removing that goal of finding a mate has really taken the pressure off. It's quite the sense of relief to say "Hey, Self, you don't need a dude...at least, not for your family." In fact, I don't need a dude to help me with my bills. I don't need the dude for his fertility. I don't need a dude for much of anything other than my own animalistic needs on a lonely night...heh...

And in that, I don't have to tolerate these shitty men I've been dating. There's no need to desperately bond myself to some guy. I definitely want to have a partner someday, but it doesn't have to be a partner for any other reason than for the joy of his company.

After my daughter graduates from high school, I'll be about 2 years away from earning my "PGL" (Personal Growth Leave) where my employer will request that I leave work for a month to do whatever the hell I want. (It does include pay). My daughter will be busy with college or whatever she's chosen to do...and hopefully my savings plan will have come to fruition...and then my child-less partner and I can head overseas, free from the burden of a small child...knowing that I have raised, possibly with the help of said partner, a confident young person, busy becoming the next best thing in whatever her industry is.

It's entirely possible that the type of men I will choose to spend time with will change. I expect it to change. And my dates may become  quite infrequent. But don't worry- I'm sure I can wrastle up the odd story here and there, based off of memories or even present-time incidences. Men make me laugh. Well, actually, human behavior makes me laugh. And I'm happy to blog my little insignificant thoughts away, spinning them into words that make people laugh. Hell, that makes ME laugh!

So, the title of the blog "It's Okay to Deviate", is just that. I'm deviating from my old normal and in the process of making a new normal. I expect hiccups, but it is totally okay...and even preferable... to deviate from time to time. You never know what you'll learn...about someone else, or even yourself!