A few months ago, probably around the time of my last blog post, I was speaking with a friend about my fears of getting involved with another man. I told her I was afraid that a man would break my heart and it terrifies me. Naturally. She responded with "well, then don't let him."
This is not to say that you should stop yourself from having feelings, but it's a great reminder to temper them. I have a theory that I am personally so desperate (yes, I'll admit the "desperate" part) to have that love of my life that sometimes I will react too quickly. Since becoming aware of this I have really been able to slow myself down, let things...simmer...marinate...what have you...and my theory at this point is to simply enjoy things for exactly what they are.
I have met someone. I enjoy spending time with him. I wish I could spend more time with him but schedules and distance do not permit. But because of this, we are both able to maintain our personal interests and focus on our careers instead of falling into the trap of dysfunctional co-dependency.
This new relationship has given me a tremendous amount of insight to my past relationships, which is why I'm even bothering to write about it here. Before I expand on that point, let me say that things, lately, have been "me-focused" in that I find it extremely important to keep the focus on what's important. While he makes the top five, he's not number one. My daughter, my family/friends, my career, financial security...then him. It's not meant to insult him at all! In fact, I find this to be a healthy way of looking at things and he should be flattered. Besides -- isn't it creepy to discover that you've become the latest obsession in someone's life? I think there are laws in most states against that sort of thing. Well, the action that can occur from that sort of thing.
I have reflected on the past and considered some of the truly dysfunctional relationships I've been in. I think it all boils down to my self-perspective. I didn't think I was good enough. I figured that I had to change who I was because WHO I AM isn't "good" enough. Over the last year, I have become determined to be my own best friend; to be someone who I enjoy spending time with. In doing so, I have found great joy in being alone. I have found that the time I spend with others is more pleasant. I have developed a more genuine heart and feel I have become more charitable. It feels amazing. No one is going to change that about me.
In learning to love myself, I reflect and cannot understand how I thought so poorly of myself. There are moments, of course, when I doubt myself but that's healthy and natural. The point is, I am not as vulnerable to the passive aggression that some insecure men will emit upon others in order to feel better about themselves. I am confident and therefore I attract confidence. I enjoy life so I attract those who also enjoy life. I am positive and outgoing and therefore, I attract those qualities.
See, folks, the point is, for all those fucked up dates and relationships, it wasn't ever really their fault that I ended up sitting next to them, or finding their boogers on my bed, or shit on the towels or whatever...I mean yes, the actual ACTION of crapping on my bed is nothing I can prevent, but they were only in my life because I felt that I didn't deserve anyone better, in some subconscious way.
I'm sure there will be more bad dates in the future, at some point (although my guy has truly been a prince so far...) and I'm sure that my judgment will falter from time to time. I am only human. But the self-perspective has changed to one of love and friendship unto myself. And that, I think, makes a HUGE difference in love with others.
Be well this holiday season, and enjoy the bad dates because the bad dates make the best stories....
Much love,
T
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