You Want...What??

While most of my tales of woe are from years past, this entry comes from a very recent episode. It leaves me wondering what kind of message I put out towards men. However, I was assured, by a male friend, that his request was merely a last-ditch effort for some fun.

Last week I was scheduled to go out on a date (I know, totally going back on what I have said in the past, but to be perfectly honest here, I'm lonely...and I haven't given up hope completely). About a half hour or so before said date, the gentleman texted me to let me know he was a smoker. A bit of a heavy smoker. I replied, asking him what "heavy smoker" meant. Apparently that encompasses a half pack to a pack a day.

As a former "heavy smoker" myself (I could have out-smoked him back in my Milwaukee days, easily), I can appreciate the stress relief that cigarettes provide. I can also appreciate the struggle it can be to get away from those cigarettes. And even I, now, cannot claim to be a one hundred percent non-smoker. I like to have a cigarette in the evenings before bed.

But I cannot get involved with a heavy smoker. It's just a lifestyle choice.

It would have been different had he indicated that he was trying to quit and so on. But that wasn't ever mentioned. I told him that I couldn't get involved and on his merry way he went. I cast no judgment (I didn't say "ewww you're sick" or better, "ewwww ur sik) but just let him know that his choice was incompatible with my choices.

I thought nothing of it all weekend.

But it's not the weekend anymore, now is it? No, it's Monday. A cool, rainy, muddy, overcast crappy Monday. So all bets are off. Bring on the jerks!

Shortly before lunch, a text message came through on my phone. Generally I don't really pay much attention to this but this one caught my attention. It was from this John, asking me how my weekend was. I replied that it was fine and asked him if he needed something.

Ladies. Never, ever ask a man if he NEEDS something. We all know what they "need."

"Wanna be FWB?" For the layperson, FWB means "friends with benefits." Aka, no strings attached sex.

I was flabbergasted.

Okay, so everyone has their sexual needs, right? But what part of "I can't get involved with you because you're a heavy smoker" indicates "lets have free-range sex"? I guess this must be part of the strange world of men, because I don't understand (nor do I speak) that code.

Okay, look. I'm no spring chick here. I'm overweight, I'm crass, and I'm a mom. I'm bitter about plenty of stuff and I hardly "giggle". I'm nearly 32. This doesn't make me "old" but I'm not a horny teenager either. Even if I was as horny as a person would need to be for this kind of arrangement to work, who the hell has the time? Kid, work, household, cooking, laundry, bathing, mowing/shoveling, car maintenance...oh yes...sign me up for an at-your-leisure fuck fest. I'll squeeze that in there sometime.

As a hint, boys, if you want to get into the pants of a tired, single mom with sarcasm dripping from her pores and a bit of neurosis, asking for a lay is not the way to do it. Try offering to make or deliver dinner. Try handing out back and/or foot rubs (preferably both). Chocolate is good. Give your intended a special night out...AFTER she's had a nap and a glass of wine. But for heaven's sake, don't ask her to screw you!

Whether this guy was making a last ditch effort to get some lovin, it doesn't excuse his crude behavior. If you cannot say something to a woman...to her face, don't think that hiding behind a computer or text messages somehow justifies you being a complete wanker. It doesn't. In fact, it just makes you look even more creepy.